Death warrant issued for Big Bird to save Manhattan from Bird Flu

Shlomo Shekelstein, Dystopian Press Wednesday, August 21, 2024 MANHATTAN - The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) recently had to make the difficult decision to issue a Death Warrant for Big Bird in order to save Manhattan from Bird Flu.

"As Big Bird literally represents the biggest risk of spreading Bird Flu in Manhattan, we felt that we had no choice other than to issue the order to have him killed," a USDA spokesman said.

The NYPD is currently searching for Big Bird, who appears to be in hiding. Anyone with any information on his whereabouts is urged to call NYPD at (212) 555-1212. Anyone who thinks this is real is urged to look up the word, satire, in the dictionary.